[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Mad Max Arctic Road
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”