Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz