Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat