bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”