Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf