@badenhorst: Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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@pleatedjeans: [job interview for garbageman] interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you're hired Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
@hythemafia: Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
@GrowlyGrego: My little old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
@Floatersfinest: I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'