Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
You Might Also Like
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.