Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.