[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
You Might Also Like
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.