Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.