Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
You Might Also Like
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Sex so good you see dead people.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)