Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.