Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.