Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
set yourself free xox
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall