@BackrowSeats: Been in an accident? Know someone who's been in an accident? If not, call us & we'll come push you down the stairs or something.

@Fred_Delicious: [At work] "guys check this out" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] "Holy shit help"

@djdarrellripley: Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog. Her: How old is he? Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog....

@LukeMones: Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway...polite or the ultimate shade?

@DavidAndRobShow: Bae: come over. Me: I'm doing the podcast. Bae: come over. Me: nah, I'm doin the podcast. Bae: my parents are out. Me: they can download it.