@Maui_Speaks: Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.

@xLiserx: My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.

@daemonic3: I don't think Harambe would have wanted this

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Rome] CENTURION: please state your date of birth CITIZEN: May I CENTURION: yes CITIZEN: CENTURION: CITIZEN: CENTURION: when is it tho

@IamJackBoot: Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today's fog. It's a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.