@QwertyJones3: [speed dating] I enjoy gardening. I've got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@williamsonnier: customer: *looking at menu* what's good? me: not much what's good with you? him: ... him: ... me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.

@beingtheo: I believe the Pope did what all Catholics are told to do. Pull out early.

@Sickayduh: "Ma'am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them" - Oh no "This is Debra" - aww I like that "And this is Depanties"

@stacieooooo: You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.