“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.