@MichaelLarrick: Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

@jazmasta: By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.

@Robert_Beau: Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

@funnybeachgirl: Friday night plans *break into plastic surgeon's office *put goldfish in the silicone implants *sneak away undetected *giggle like a maniac

@Mrs_Cunninghamm: Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!