@Kyle_Lippert: [Commercial for condoms] *a baby cries* NARRATOR: Condoms

@Book_Krazy: Me: It's late. I guess I'll go to bed. -My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one "Let's put up a tent in the living room"

@dshack8: "I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won't admit it." Guys named Geoff.

@drinksmcgee: They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.

@MJMcKean: I don't know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES' DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.