Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
When you kidnap a writer.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying