BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
You Might Also Like
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about