BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
You Might Also Like
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.