[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
so, is there a mister shapen head
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?