[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me trying to look natural in photos
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.