Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.