Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Thrilling chase underway
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
is this how new cars are made??