[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
he was correct
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits