Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
ready to be harvested
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
the three genders
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.