Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.