will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”