Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
You Might Also Like
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
pizza
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My sex drive has a dui