Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Cat is stressing him out.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.