*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Huge, if true.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.