*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
#SaturdayBears
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Croquettes are not female crocodiles