Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Weighing up my bread heating options
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…