Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue