Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
LMAO
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.