*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
2 years later
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are