Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I’ve had worse
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless