[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Danger is very dangerous
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.