*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?