Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.