Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I am never leaving this website
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
next question.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding