Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please