Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I am crying
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?