Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
(yawn)
Every time my phone rings
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows