@TheMichaelRock: Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn't making movies all the time.
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@PaperWash: [dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case
@hazelmotes1: One day you'll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you're thinking right now
@shutupmikeginn: 'Pampers' is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.