Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.