Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.