[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did