[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The French word for sex is croissant.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”