[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
You Might Also Like
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,