[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need