Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom